taste of your own medicine

Sometimes life feels like in you're in that movie "Groundhog's day" and I can't quite put my finger on the cause of those returning sentiments.

Early on, I knew that life was something one makes to be fulfilling. I thought I knew what made it fulfilling, the idea of Love. However, the older or get, or perhaps it's the less young I become, the more I wonder if I am meant to be independent. I have so many aspirations none of which mean anything to me if I can't share my life with someone, but I find myself in these vicious cycles of relationships with selfish people. There are all these theories of evolution, psychology and biology swimming about in my head trying to give a sound explanation to ease my troubled mind.

It doesn't matter if I post anything...it's not like he's going to read it. Just like he doesn't bother anymore to sit and write me an email. And I'm suppose to explain this to him? I have a belief which is suppose to simplify life because it simplifies complications we have with others and that belief is that everything we become upset over is due to a fracture in our expectations of others. When others do not meet our expectations we become instinctively disappointed. o wouldn't the solution be to not hold expectations and you won't be disappointed? It just doesn't work that easily! In order to function in our society we MUST hold expectations and we MUST abide by the expectations that are placed on us. For example; We expect the people driving in their cars to stop at red lights. If we do not uphold people to those expectations we begin to adopt grave issues. However, to an extent, this belief works in relationships. Joe and I used to have a saying and it was "Simple intentions make good love" and it is so true. My intentions were simple: I love you, I am how I am and if something upsets me, I tell you" No need to become upset for things that the other person would have to guess the reason why you were disappointed. No need to wish your boyfriend was more romantic. However, that relationship only lasted 3 months so I never really got to try out the theory once it got past the luby dubby stage.
Not that is wasn't a theory I stayed true to in my subsequent relationship, but it can't be compared when it works in a different realm. Long distance relationships function in a different realm even though it does require a lot more adhesion to the "simple love" concept. I'm just going through something. Having those similiar feeling I felt when I was in that insecure and terrible relationship with Norby. When I tried to keep it all to myself and not be that panicky insecure girlfriend. Now I wish I had listened to my gut and dumped him long before it ended. I hate that person I was, that person I feel I am becoming again. I deserve what I give and maybe he's young and doesn't know how to give me what I need right now, or perhaps it's that maybe he is young and can't give me what I need. He's just so perfect in my eyes and it breaks me to play with the idea that he wouldn't be the one.
I'm just so frustrated with not being able to express myself, with these feelings, with these goddamn insecurities. I want to have fun. I want to be with someone who can't stand to be without me for a moment. Who feels what I feel and doesn't take me for granted. I want my bestfriend. Perhaps I just expect way too much from people.

Slowly, I begin to convince myself that I need to let go. That I need to adopt that independent mentality. That I don't NEED anybody and I'm not going to cry and worry about someone when they don't fully realize what they have. Things have changed and I am not one to remain stagnant in the changes that life brings, but it would be nice to go back to how it all once felt.